Suhel Seth

was my contemporary (a year or two senior, I think) at Jadavpur University. Even in those days he had a wacky and often naughty sense of humour, as he widely publicised in the hand-written magazine titled Jabberwocky that he edited. Since then he has gone places, and done a lot of things in his time.

I am writing this post just to say I love his page called 'Survival Strategies' that is published every Sunday in the magazine titled 'Graphiti' that comes with The Telegraph. Maybe it's because I have a subliminal wish to be wickedly in-your-face like that myself, if only I had not lived in a 19th-century village, where they all expect teachers to be boring and goody-goody stuffed shirts, never doing anything other than churning notes and collecting fees, for fear of 'what they will say'....! Take a look at the page yourself to see what I am talking about. (You can even follow his page on Facebook. Just type 'Survival strategies Suhel Seth' in the search box).

God willing, I'll do something of the sort myself, when I am old enough, and no longer have to give a damn.

Breathtaking put-downs

I just read Shilpi's blogpost, and the last put-down was superb: the man says to the woman 'I didn't give up my seat for you because you are a lady, ma'am, I did it because I am a gentleman'!

Such magnificent put-downs are necessary to put the rude and the uncouth back in their proper place, and even to make nice people think and re-examine their attitudes towards a lot of things. It reminds me of the prince accosting one John Tower, and quite gratuitously insulting him in public with the remark: 'Hello, Tower. I hear you are the worst blackguard in Liverpool?'. Tower bows to the ground and says, 'I hope your Highness has not come to take my reputation away!' 

And then there was M.K. Gandhi after he had become famous as the Mahatma, who was always good for innocent-sounding but wicked ripostes. When asked what he thought about western civilization, he simply said 'It would be a good idea'. It takes my breath away...

Indlish

Remember me? I am Professor Seth.

Once I taught you geography. Now

I am retired, though my health is good.

My wife died some years back.

By god's grace, all my children

Are well settled in life.

One is sales manager

One is bank manager

Both have cars.

Other also doing well, though not so well.

Every family must have black sheep.

Sarala and Tarala are married,

Their husbands are very nice boys.

You won't believe, but I have eleven grandchildren.

How many issues you have? Three?

That is good. These are days of family planning.

I am not against. We have to change with times.

Whole world is changing. In India also.

We are keeping up. Our progress is progressing.

Old values are going, new values are coming.

Everything is happening with leaps and bounds.

I am going out rarely, now and then

Only, this is price of old age.

But my health is OK, usual aches and pains.

No diabetes, no blood pressure, no heart attack.

This is because of sound habits in youth.

How is your health keeping?

Nicely? I am happy for that.

This year I am sixty nine

And hope to score century.

You were so thin, like stick

Now you are man of weight and consequence.

That is good joke.

If you are coming again this side by chance

Visit please my humble residence also.

I am living just on opposite house's backside.

The Professor, by Nissim Ezekiel

To think that this was written almost half a century ago! (You might also try The Patriot by the same poet). How might the poet have felt if he had lived and observed the 'English-educated' crowd in today's India, where most English teachers themselves don't have the faintest inkling any more about the wretchedness of this pidgin that passes for English (as I should know)?

Horrifying thought: given our numbers, our determination to mangle the language, and the speed with which we are spreading all over the planet, this might be imposed as the International Standard fifty years from now!

Quiz to the readers: how many odd things could you find in the poet's mimicry of Indian English (remembering that language is always a vehicle of culture)?

Treasure forgotten

(photo from wikipedia)

Quiz: Where in Calcutta can you find a private zoo, 25-foot tall Belgian glass mirrors, chandeliers weighing many tons, original paintings by the likes of Rubens and Reynolds, priceless porcelain vases from China's Ming dynasty, giant stuffed heads of moose, and breathtakingly beautiful statues of Greek gods rubbing shoulders with those of eastern deities ... all presided over by a giant statue of young Queen Victoria carved out of a single block of wood? 

Answer: the Marble Palace, built by the fabulously wealthy (and cultured, unlike his early 21st century counterparts!) 19th century Bengali tycoon 'Rajah' Rajendra Mullick. It's just off Chittaranjan Avenue, a few steps after you have passed the Jorasanko Thakurbaari. It's so obscure that even a local rickshawpuller hadn't heard the name (nor had several elderly and young members of the smart set whom I asked at the city's biggest shopping mall, South City. I visited both places the same day in a bid to show my daughter what the city is like today...) Doesn't even the fact that the collection at the palace would be worth several hundred million dollars stir the interest of the most well-heeled of Calcuttans? How much farther will this social dumbing-down go?

Oh Calcutta!

Hard to love people like this

... and the picture itself should tell you why I can't sympathize with their plight!

It makes me sad that one of the most in-your-face signs that this country is 'developing' is that it is rapidly filling up with folks like this. Makes a nice juxtaposition with millions of emaciated and permanently hungry people, it does.

(nobody I know: just got the photo off the net while researching obesity on google images)

Making people read

Someone who is a bibliophile herself recently asked with a note of despair in her voice how she could persuade people to try out some books. I had hardly any advice for her, except to recall something I had read in Reader's Digest long ago:

A librarian who had the same problem (subscribers only went for the latest pulp fiction and refused to look at classics of literature or serious non-fiction) hit upon the idea of labelling one particular shelf 'For high-IQ readers only', and putting all her favourite titles on it. Books started flying off that shelf. 

Now whether the borrowers actually read the books they took home is, of course, another matter altogether!

Ten thousand visits!

Even as I write, the visits-counter has turned over, and I have crossed the 10,000 visits milestone. It has taken me 15 months: much faster than it happened with the other blog. Gives me a good feeling, knowing how hard it is to keep at this sort of thing for weeks and months on end in the midst of a busy (and not too funny) work schedule, with very little help – as I observed in an earlier post. Add to that frequent niggling irritations, like anonymous mugs and complete strangers chipping in just to say they don’t like the contents of this blog (and without making the slightest effort to show me how to do better – as by writing and maintaining a blog of their own)!

Indians are not known for their humour. I keep telling my girls and boys that they exhaust all their sense of fun by giggling so much over inanities and trifles all through teenage that by the time they are adults, they are surly grumblers all, or else they laugh only over obscenities, or over others’ misfortunes. Sit in on any office conversation or party gossip or roadside adda of college dropouts. I may not have a very exalted sense of humour, but I pride myself that I have never needed to stoop to such baseness.

One thing that a lot of people don’t know is that appreciating humour requires a) high IQ, b) wide GK, and c) often also a much better grasp of language than most people can boast of. There’s nothing more painful than watching a joke fall flat simply because the audience has no clue as to what you are talking about. Reminds me of the Bengali adage that a fool always laughs three times over a joke: the first time because he sees others laughing, the second time because the humour strikes him at last, and the third time realizing that he had laughed the first time without understanding…

It is not easy to be whimsical, especially in troubled times. I have met very few people in flesh and blood who can do that. So I am compelled to fall back on quoting the wise-saws of the great and the good, such as when Sir Winston Churchill scathingly put down his garrulous opponent in Parliament by saying ‘The honourable member is modest, and he has much to be modest about’, and when President Lincoln, on hearing about the drinking problem of his brilliant general Ulysses Grant, said ‘Find out what he drinks, and I am going to send a barrel to each of my other generals’, and the incident in the comic book Asterix the Legionary, where the eponymous hero tells friend Obelix to swallow the disgusting-looking mash they serve in the army, saying ‘The worse the food, the stronger the army’, then spitting out a mouthful himself, and commenting with a grimace ‘I didn’t know the Roman army was that strong!’

A good wish to all my followers. Do send in a few words of encouragement now and then…

Criticism

To say something good about others needs character; any uncouth fool can call you names.

While I welcome comments on this blog, they should come from people who have something worthwhile to say, something good to share, some little nugget of wit or wisdom that I and all other readers could profit by; and, if nothing else, to say thanks. And so, before typing in a few lines, the comment-writer should pause to reflect whether s/he has anything at all worthwhile to say, or whether s/he is one more of the literally uncountable pathetic folks who are dying for a moment's attention. There are people who strip in public, and abuse, and walk drunkenly - even without being paid - only to draw others' eyes to themselves, even if it's only looks of contempt and disgust that come their way.

I am reminded of the joke: 'Sir', said the man to the Universe, 'I exist!' 'The fact', came the reply, 'has not given me much concern'... and the fact that the young man who shot US President Ronald Reagan later confessed he had done it merely to get on the front page of all the world's newspapers and thus impress his girlfriend. Most human beings only appear sane!

One of the abiding motifs of the recollections of old boys and girls is about how much they laughed in my class. So, after 29 years, I don't really need certificates. I write here only for the entertainment and edification of those who like what I say. Everybody else is welcome to stay away.

So please don't bother to waste your time just to tell me 'I don't think much of the contents', without even offering a reasoned explanation, and suggestions for better things. If it is entirely a matter of your subjective, and probably untutored judgment, keep it to yourself; I am not interested in how many complete strangers don't like me, especially when I can see how enormously tastes vary: the same joke that someone enjoys hugely falls flat on someone else (who knows but simply because it flew over the latter's head?)

And I was just reminded that some people have to be hit with a hammer on the head before they can recognize a joke.

A wonderful howler

I was thumbing through some old issues of the once famous Punch magazine when I came across this absolutely priceless late-Victorian cartoon: the young man is reclining against the trunk of a shady tree beside his lady love, and by way of making conversation he asks her 'Do you like Kipling?' to which she tartly replies 'I don't know, you naughty boy, I've never kippled'!

Mad hatters

The world is full of madmen, they say, and we are all mad in one sense or the other. Is that right, I wonder again and again... are all of us equally mad?

I just heard from an old boy that their overhead water tank was overflowing, and the housewife next door - a middle-aged mother - drew their attention by throwing a brick and breaking a window.

And my wife says she was shopping at a women's wear outlet in Calcutta where there was this fat middle-aged woman trying out all sorts of fancy clothes appropriate for skinny teenagers and loudly proclaiming to anybody who'd listen that she didn't care about the price tag, because her lockers were chock-full of black money.

And amidst this blistering heat I can see whole families gorging on phuchka (paani-puri) by the roadside at ten o' clock in the night...

Yikes!

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home . I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too- even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship , don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for! the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you

[Many thanks for the input to Subhadip Dutta]

A big loser

An old boy told me about a classmate in the English department of one of the most 'prestigious' colleges in Calcutta, who had been told by her professor to read and report about Irving Stone's magnificent fictionalized biography of the great Italian renaissance artist Michelangelo, The Agony and the Ecstasy.

Her report was 'This Michelangelo was a big loser'.

Imagine the kind of wife, mother, teacher and citizen this creature is going to become...

A touching thank you

Someone very recently wrote 'Thank you for this blog. Life's a bundle of worries and troubles, but it's good to know that every time I visit this site I can find something to smile over, and sometimes to laugh'.

My day is made. There's no better feeling than the knowledge that you have managed to make some people smile...

The richie rich

Among the people who most fascinate me are those who have so much money that they don't have to work for a living. The reason I am fascinated is that it so often happens that instead of being lazy dullards living sybaritic, inconsequential lives, they turn out to be among the most creative people, contributing things of incalculable value to civilisation. The Roman philosopher emperor Marcus Aurelius was one such. So was Tolstoy (until he gave it all away), and Tagore, and Lord Kelvin the chemist, and Ludwig Wittgenstein (he too chose poverty). I could name dozens more. And so many of them keep working either because they are workaholics, or because they are addicted to the fame and money, or because they have found only work keeps them sane - look at Steve Jobs, and Sachin Tendulkar.

So what has Ms. J.K. Rowling been doing these three years since the last Harry Potter book was released? Can somebody find out and tell me?

Techie talk

A young man who has been seeing the ins and outs of the IT industry in India with wide-open eyes has sent me the following list of definitions. I don’t think I need to add any comments. Enjoy. And I hope this will be read by a lot of teenagers (and their mothers) who still think becoming an IT techie is the next best thing to winning a Nobel Prize…

Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks a single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Business Analyst is the one who convinces clients why they don't need a baby.

Account Manager is the one who thinks that it is more important to know why the baby is not there than to have a baby.

Delivery Manager is one who ensures a baby irrespective of whether it is donkey's, monkey's or human baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks if nine women can deliver nine babies in nine months, one woman can deliver one baby in one month.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always says that this is not the right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that...

a donkey can deliver a human baby - if given 9 months !!!

'Humbled'? what for?

I write often about how we keep stupidly abusing language, until we unconsciously come to say the opposite of what we mean. So 'crazy' which meant insane has now come to mean something to be happy about (I'm crazy about Paris Hilton), a 'fever' is something you wanted to cure, now you look forward to it (as in Saturday night fever, IPL fever). Of late this has been happening with the word humbled. Today's newspaper carries a huge banner advertisement placed by Reliance Mobile, declaring how they are 'humbled' to have crossed the 100-million subscriber milestone - when they obviously mean they are proud, which is just the opposite of humbled. In like vein an old boy wrote back to me saying he was 'humbled' to know that I still remembered him, when he too quite evidently meant proud. These days, it seems, it's politically incorrect to say you are proud about anything - unless it's 'Proud to be gay'!

New-age Ramayana

A young second generation Indian-origin boy in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something.... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man.....they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok....

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood.... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest..... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home.... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home...they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also....so it was pretty cooool.... you know with all those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

The mother fainted..

Job application goof-ups

An old boy assures me that the following are real howlers found in job application letters/resumes. After each gaffe, there’s a remark from the selectors’ panel…

(current and ex-pupils, pay attention)

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."
That's what we're afraid of ...

Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which
allows me to make use of my commuter skills."
I think we can oblige.

Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."
Sounds uncomfortable.

Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."
We can hardly wait.

Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."
We'll try not to let it go to our heads.

Objective: "To mature in the field of human behavior."
Good luck with that.

Experience: "10 years of experience in financial budgiting and
transactions rigistering."
But limited experience with the spell-check function.

Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."
If you insist.

Cover letter: "I am submitting the attached copy of my resume for your
consumption."
Yum.

Skills: "Grate communication skills."
Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?

Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening,
interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh ...

Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."
Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?

Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?

Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."
Did you minor in ear piercing?


Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to
employers."
We're pretty shocked already ...

Cover letter: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the
two are usually inseparable."
Glad to hear it.

Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.

Everything's tamasha now

... so thinks Pritish Nandy, and I have been saying the same thing myself for ages.

I only worry about payback time, because unlike Nandy, I still have many years to live, probably, and my daughter certainly does.

A new language in the making

I saw yet another johnny-come-lately private college (where they charge you several lakhs and take four years to 'teach' you how to be a waiter in a restaurant) advertise itself as an 'educational resort' in the paper the other day (by the way, those who 'teach' there are never called teachers or lecturers or professors, they are invariably called faculty - even in the singular. And they give 'bachelor' degrees...)

I have noticed in my own neighbourhood something called a 'Dental Inn'. Soon, I'm sure, they will call ICCU-s cardiac resorts, too.

Once you start corrupting language, you have opened the door to all the forces of chaos, dissolution and decay. Anyways... chillax.