'Humbled'? what for?

I write often about how we keep stupidly abusing language, until we unconsciously come to say the opposite of what we mean. So 'crazy' which meant insane has now come to mean something to be happy about (I'm crazy about Paris Hilton), a 'fever' is something you wanted to cure, now you look forward to it (as in Saturday night fever, IPL fever). Of late this has been happening with the word humbled. Today's newspaper carries a huge banner advertisement placed by Reliance Mobile, declaring how they are 'humbled' to have crossed the 100-million subscriber milestone - when they obviously mean they are proud, which is just the opposite of humbled. In like vein an old boy wrote back to me saying he was 'humbled' to know that I still remembered him, when he too quite evidently meant proud. These days, it seems, it's politically incorrect to say you are proud about anything - unless it's 'Proud to be gay'!

New-age Ramayana

A young second generation Indian-origin boy in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something.... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man.....they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok....

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood.... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest..... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home.... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home...they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also....so it was pretty cooool.... you know with all those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

The mother fainted..

Job application goof-ups

An old boy assures me that the following are real howlers found in job application letters/resumes. After each gaffe, there’s a remark from the selectors’ panel…

(current and ex-pupils, pay attention)

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."
That's what we're afraid of ...

Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which
allows me to make use of my commuter skills."
I think we can oblige.

Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."
Sounds uncomfortable.

Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."
We can hardly wait.

Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."
We'll try not to let it go to our heads.

Objective: "To mature in the field of human behavior."
Good luck with that.

Experience: "10 years of experience in financial budgiting and
transactions rigistering."
But limited experience with the spell-check function.

Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."
If you insist.

Cover letter: "I am submitting the attached copy of my resume for your
consumption."
Yum.

Skills: "Grate communication skills."
Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?

Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening,
interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh ...

Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."
Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?

Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?

Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."
Did you minor in ear piercing?


Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to
employers."
We're pretty shocked already ...

Cover letter: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the
two are usually inseparable."
Glad to hear it.

Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.

Everything's tamasha now

... so thinks Pritish Nandy, and I have been saying the same thing myself for ages.

I only worry about payback time, because unlike Nandy, I still have many years to live, probably, and my daughter certainly does.

A new language in the making

I saw yet another johnny-come-lately private college (where they charge you several lakhs and take four years to 'teach' you how to be a waiter in a restaurant) advertise itself as an 'educational resort' in the paper the other day (by the way, those who 'teach' there are never called teachers or lecturers or professors, they are invariably called faculty - even in the singular. And they give 'bachelor' degrees...)

I have noticed in my own neighbourhood something called a 'Dental Inn'. Soon, I'm sure, they will call ICCU-s cardiac resorts, too.

Once you start corrupting language, you have opened the door to all the forces of chaos, dissolution and decay. Anyways... chillax.