To those who have been readers of my blog(s) for some time, here's a question. What kind of a father do you think I am? Is my daughter lucky or otherwise?
I am not really being facetious here. Unlike most parents I know, I did not convince myself the moment my daughter was born that I was the best thing that could have happened to her. And I have never stopped wondering...
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6 comments:
Anybody who knows you some Suvro da will know that there is nothing facetious about your question.
Pupu is incredibly lucky to have you as her father, and no, I'm sure you never convinced yourself that you were the best thing that ever happened to her....And no, I'm not gushing either.
As for your other all-important and very serious question - that will have to wait awhile...I'm certainly not going to dash off a comment in two minutes.
What have you never stopped wondering about...
Take care.
Shilpi
Dear Suvroda,
Though most parents that we tend to meet are very touchy on this issue of evaluating themselves, I feel in some way you are an exception (especially in Bengal) that you continually introspect and request feedback.
Your openness makes you different. Whilst I guess much of parenting is taught by life but my small bit in this part of world shows how concerned parents are in knowing whether they are doing the right thing is raising their child or not. They not only form parents club, but they read books, go for counselling, meet doctors etc.
Parents here resort to psychiatrist themselves (if needed) much before they send their child to one. In some way, they treat the parenting job as their utmost duty which they should perform with extreme diligence. This they do knowing fairly well that there would be a time where they have to let go of their children. I am sure parents’ world-wide face similar problems in raising their children but difference lies in the ways they tackle them.
Something like this hardly ever happens in Bengal. Parents in Bengal live in a world of denial without realising the need to accept feedback or suggestions from anyone – not even from their child. They keep on imposing themselves on their children (sometimes even consciously) until the day comes when children begin to take them as reality which they cannot avoid!
Perhaps I am putting my point across in a harsh way but I have seen that happening. Thankfully I did not have to go through that misery myself.
In Bengal, most parents who sit outside school gates discussing (and evaluating their child on the basis of that) marks scored. Those who become the ‘coolest’ parents they overdo being that too.
I have seen sudden violent changes in ‘friendly’ parents when their adolescent children inform them about their boyfriends or smoking. I have seen ‘friendly’ parents even going to the extent of committing suicide after they have turned their child into a brat by encouraging indiscipline in the name of love.
Parenting is a serious occupation and sometimes in Bengal I see parents missing that. This I believe is especially important in to-days India where a bad work-culture leaves a couple drained of energy. Not always it is easy to avoid the compulsion of a professional life, I suppose.
I am yet to see Pupu, Boudi and you together. However, knowing you, I believe Pupu shall grow up to become a beautiful (in the true sense of the term) lady. Your treatment of your students provides enough indication of that.
You are affectionate yet you never go overboard; you pamper us but never encourage indiscipline. To the best of your ability you encourage everything that we want to do and discuss the pros-cons with us.
To provide an example, I don’t know whether you are still in touch with him but I remember you had a student (who was senior to us) studying in Design Institute, Ahmadabad. You were so proud of the fact that he chose that stream (when most of his batchmates were under peer pressure to choose engineering) that I feel I can still see the twinkling of your eyes while you narrated about him.
Even now, I rely on you to say the appropriate things to me. With age I guess my understanding of your influence on my life has been increasing.
It is very odd but true that as a student (who never took front stage); I have always felt a sense of respect in your company.
Pupu surely gets and deserves much more and I am sure as always you are doing that to the best of your abilities. Of course there would be certain things that are beyond your control and we can only wish they don’t affect us. At times though things that are beyond control end up helping too.
I wish you all the best things in your life Suvroda. I am sure Pupu would do well as she has you and Boudi with her. You would continue showing her the light and with time she would light her own lamp to take you ahead with herself.
Best regards
I remember to have once said to a monk of a reputed monastic order: "You think it is very hard to leave everthing and become a 'sanyasi'. Let me tell you that it is equally hard to be a very good husband and a very lovable and respected father. To be a perfect 'grihastha' is as infinitely hard as being a true 'sanyasi'. And these two types are rarely seen." He smiled at me and said: "My dear boy, that is spirituality that you are talking about. It is true for any man and woman."
I remember that conversation very clearly and will do so till I see the end of the seven stages of my life. Because there was so much truth in it and such a spiritual ambience generated through our conversations that it got imbeded in my memory and will stay there fresh for ever. But the other thing that I have not forgotten is that while saying those words to him I had the image of your face projected by my mind right infront of my eyes. I could see you smiling at me when I was saying those words.
Tanmoyda has already said the vital things. So I believe this experience of mine is enough to get you across how much happy I am for Pupu. I am glad that you are her father. She is lucky. The more she grows, the more she will realise this. If I could be even half the father that you are, I would consider myself blessed.
Thanks, Tanmoy and Subhanjan. It is good to be reassured now and then. And Shilpi, I wonder, firstly, because the sense of wonder has always been strong with me, secondly because I have not been gifted with that very common gift of taking it for granted that I must be always right (especially when dealing with people much younger, like students and own children), thirdly because I see all around me so many parents who are doing things horribly wrong, and they frighten me!
There are a great many things to wonder about, too. They can be broadly clubbed under two opposed categories of common parental faults – either doing too much for my daughter or doing too little. Needless to say I wish very badly to steer clear of both extremes. But in the hurly burly of day-to-day life, where you do not have the privilege of hindsight nor always the luxury of taking long-and carefully considered, well-informed decisions, I can hardly pretend to be sure I am always doing the right thing… that is why I pray so hard for wisdom, patience, courage and strength!
One of my inherent weaknesses, if one wants to call them so, is that I am never too sure of myself-- nothing is absolute in my own sphere, be that opinion, ideology or belief. The second of my inherent weaknesses is that I judge others by the same parameters which apply to myself. It is quite heartening to know (even though I did; it has just been put to words now!) that I am quite like you in this respect!
Parenting is an issue close to heart, because I hold a strong belief that most problems in the world emanate from improper parenting. When the parent becomes sure that he has been decreed to preach and not learn, and that he must earn respect, actions notwithstanding, it demeans the basic aim of parenthood-- helping the child grow and learn! The two are not one-way phenomena, unfortunately. Also, parents must understand that adolescence is a time when children, even the ones naturally attached to their parents, move a little far away (for reasons not too hard to understand and guess for the sane individual). There is no use getting touchy or apprehensive about that-- with time, those who had to return will do! The others, I suppose, never really belonged. Anyway, I'll save elaborate thoughts on parenting for some other time. For now, I'm quite sure you are a good father, and a lot more-- that you introspect and accordingly revise yourself more than proves that. Cheerio! :)
I didn't wonder that you wondered Suvro da or why you wondered. I was wondering what you were wondering about in this specific instance - not because I imagined that you had nothing to wonder about - but just to know what the specifics were or at least the categories were. So thank you for telling me.
I pray for you as well.
Love and regards, Shilpi
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